Reports

If you want to know what to expect when flying and going through TSA security checkpoint you had better read this.

I entered the screening line and opted out of the full body scanner – for reasons why see below.

After politely opting out of the Full Body Imaging the lady working the line told me to wait at the gate for a pat down. My wallet, shoes, belt and laptop was already through the imaging machine which was out of my sight and control for approximately 15 minutes. I watched several people leave the area with their belongings while mine (as I found out when the TSA agent finally collect them) was sitting in the open at the end of the conveyor belt with no TSA agents in plain view of my items. I told the lady at the gate that my wallet and laptop was sitting there with no one watching and unsecured. Yes I was worried about my laptop, and wallet with personal Identification, money and enough credit cards with limits to make the most discerning thief very happy.  She stated that they have cameras watching; I told her that I wanted my belongings secured which she refused to take action. The only thing the female agent had to say was that there were cameras in the area – each time she stated that “this is your fault for refusing the body scanner”. I finally demanded to speak to a supervisor, at this point the TSA agent sitting at the carry on screening machine spoke up and in a very annoyed tone and loud voice said the supervisor was already called. This agent, a stocky balding man whose name was later identified as Detras will enter this series of events a little further down.

The supervisor who finally showed up (later identified as Schmidt) can be described as light completed with freckles about 5’9” with large stretched holes in his ear lobes from what appears to be gauging; they were large enough that light was passing through the holes. Officer Schmidt took me to get my belongings (again which were un-secure and out of my sight and control for 15 minutes) which he picked up and had to carry them as if they were now somehow secure. It is totally incompetent to allow my belongings to be accessible to strangers for 15 minutes than all the sudden they are somehow secure and I cant touch them. I was led to the open area downstream from the scanners. He explained that he was going to do a pat down which he did. This person with the freaky earlobes touched my scrotum 4 times and continued to run his hands all over my body. After the search he did a test on his gloves which he said came back as positive for something. The TSA agent with the freaky earlobes collected a printout from the testing machine and attached them to a book which appeared to be kept near the machine. I asked to see the results.  He said that that I could not see them and they were only for the TSA to see. He then said that they had to do a more thorough pat down. The supervisor got the TSA agent sitting at the far right (Detras from before) and started whispering to him, then I heard this agent Detras say “I can do that” smiling and happily volunteering as if there was something in it for him. At this point I couldn’t help but think this was payback for refusing the Full Body Scanner. Given the fact that Detras was annoyed before and Schmidt who would not show me the results lead me to believe this was definitely payback.

At this point Detras led me to the area which was at the far left (as an entering passenger would view it) and taken behind a cube that was made of white frosty glass. The officer described that he was going to do an enhanced pat down which would be even more intrusive than before. I asked again to see the report that came back from the first pat down which was suppose to be positive, he said that was classified and then corrected that it was not classified but for TSA only. Detras described the enhanced pat down and mentioned he was going to feel my groin with the back of his hand. Apparently there is an enhanced pat down for refusing the scanner and another more enhanced pat down when the gloves fail the test.  I then asked if he was going to touch my penis, he got very angry and ordered me to sit down in the chair and said that he was not going to put up with this and was going to call an officer and threatened that I would be physically removed from airport property, arrested  and I would miss my flight. At this point I told him that they were violating my rights, he stated that I gave up my rights when I bought a ticket. My comment was “I never gave up any rights”.  At this point I felt that the only way to end the ordeal was to allow this person to “feel my groin area”. Then the pat down started. With my arms extended (as was demanded) I stood there, Detras dropped to his knees and felt and rubbed my penis 5 times as part of the pat down. This was extremely humiliating and a sense that something was totally wrong rushed through my mind (and later that night and still today).  How is it that in order to get on an airplane to make my business trip I have to let a stranger touch my penis?  Why is it that anyone else doing something like this is considered sexual assault? After they tested my items (which strangers has access to for 15 minutes) and checked their gloves again which were good I was allowed to leave. The gloves tested positive at first now they test good. How could this be? more »

First of all, I would like to say that I am by no means a novice where it comes to airline travel and TSA security.  I have been navigating checkpoints and security lines for years, and have flown during some of the highest security levels possible both within the US and abroad.  My first commercial flight after September 11, 2001 was within a week of the WTC 9/11 tragedy, and throughout all the periods of upheaval in security protocol changes over the years I have never let it effect my flying habits or my attitude.  To some people’s aghast, back when I smoked I would even go outside at a Chicago O’Hare layover to have a cigarette, knowing full well it was going to mean having to go back through security again on my way back to the terminal.  No problem.  Follow the rules and if they wanted the shoes on the belt I would put them on the belt, or if they wanted the shoes in a bin I would put them in a bin.  Coat off and into a bin.  Everything from my pockets including my cell phone went into my laptop case after the laptop itself was removed (that was the rules), and even though in most of the past 8 – 9 years I have flown upwards of 50,000 or more miles a year through trips to Hawaii or visits to relatives in England, I don’t think I have even as much as tripped a metal detector buzzer.  Airport security?  Piece of cake……. Until this last trip back from Hawaii that is.

The actual trip home from our 2 week vacation actually started out pretty normal.  We returned our rental car, sent our bags through the agricultural inspection without a hitch, found out that both of our bags were within weight limits when the United agent weighed them, and arrived at the check-in lobby with literally hours to kill.  Checking in at the kiosk rendered 4 gold stock boarding passes for my wife and I because of my Premier status in United’s Mileage Plus program.

Next we dropped off our checked luggage at the inspection point, and since I no longer need to go back outside to have that “last cigarette (or two)” before heading into the airport proper, we headed for the security gate and got into the “Gold Lane” (which carrying United’s gold stock boarding pass affords a person).  Ok, so yes, membership does have it’s privileges, because that is exactly what the “Gold Lane” is supposed to do, speed things up for United’s First Class and Premier & above status travelers in going through security.  Well, this was where the problem started.

While there were only probably a couple dozen of us in the Gold Lane, there had to be close to a couple hundred (that may be slightly exaggerated but…….) in the regular lanes.  The regular lanes wound back & forth and back & forth like cattle stalls and for some reason just didn’t appear to be moving.  All of a sudden, the TSA agent doing the initial ID inspection (and also directing lanes alternating between the Gold Lane and the regular lanes) started to bark out that “IF YOUR BOARDING PASS DOES NOT SAY ‘GOLD LANE’ ON IT, YOU BETTER NOT BE IN THIS LINE”!!  What?  “Say” Gold Lane on the boarding pass?”  I don’t think United has done that in Honolulu since they went to the automated Kiosk issuing system.  They used to stamp them with ‘Gold Lane’ back when it was all done by hand, but to my knowledge since the automated system was integrated, the machine either spits out a Blue Stock boarding pass for a regular passenger, or a Gold Stock boarding pass for those who meet the criteria.  But the TSA agent was not accepting that, and even a couple people in line tried to point all this out to the agent when they reached him, they were sent packing over to the back of the regular line as were all the rest of us.

So…… by this time there had to be upwards of 250 of us in the regular lines winding our way though the cattle stalls, and of course absolutely NO ONE in the Gold Lane.  My initial thought was “it sure is a good thing we have lots of time”.  It didn’t take long though before there were lots of “other” thoughts going through my head besides just being glad we had arrived at the airport early.  And those thoughts were “Where am I?”  Am I actually still in the United States of America, or am I in 1970s Russia or 1940s Germany.

Why?  Because parading along side the lines of passengers waiting to go through the security check point was yet another TSA agent bellowing at the top of his voice “DO NOT TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF UNTIL YOU ARE AT THE CHECK POINT!”  “PLACE YOUR SHOES FLAT ON THE BELT AND NOT IN A BIN!”  (or maybe it was in a bin and not on the belt, I really can’t remember right now) “YOU MUST TAKE EVERYTHING OUT OF YOUR POCKETS!!  “AND THAT MEANS EVERYTHING!!”  “YOU MUST TAKE OFF YOUR BELT”  “IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU ARE WEARING A METAL BELT, A LEATHER BELT, A PLASTIC BELT, OR A CLOTH BELT!!”  “IT MUST COME OFF!!!”  “IF YOU ARE WEARING A COAT, A HAT, OR ANY OTHER OUTER GARMENT, THAT ALSO MUST COME OFF AND BE PUT ON THE BELT TO BE X-RAYED”.  And on and on and on………….

At this point if you are having any trouble at all visualizing what the situation looked or felt like going through that security check point, just think back to any movie you have ever seen where the Jewish people were being funneled through the concentration camps by the Nazis during WW-II.  As I related to my son, it was TOTALLY intimidating!  And this was taking place right here in the good old United States of America.

Ok, so after I don’t know how long of winding through this cattle line and listening to this spiel over & over & over again (always at the top of his lungs and parading like the Gestapo agent he evidently figured he was), we finally get to the actual check-in point.  As normal, I pulled my laptop out, put all the stuff from my pockets into the laptop case, and once I was sure things were heading up the belt toward the X-Ray machine normally I headed through the metal detector (or so I thought).   But as I reached it, another TSA agent all of a sudden yells “STOP RIGHT THERE WITH YOUR FEET ON THE MARKINGS!  TURN TO YOUR RIGHT.  PLACE YOUR HANDS OUT LIKE THE PICTURE!!”.  When I kind of looked at him and gave him a “WTF is going on” look, he bellowed it again, so I of course turned cause I didn’t have a clue what was happening.  I mean like I have already mentioned, I haven’t even set off a metal detector alarm in probably 10 years or better.

At that, the sides all closed in around me, a whirring thing went around, and lo-and-behold I had just had a nude picture taken of me by one of their new “Full Body Porno Scanners”.  Never set an alarm off.  No reason that I knew of for that type of screening.  But before I even knew what was happening (much less have the opportunity to say “I OPT OUT”), boom, it was done.  I’m telling you all right now, I have never felt so violated in my life. And now even a week later, that feeling has NOT gone away.

During a discussion about this experience the other day with a close friend, the question was posed by him that “Other than maybe a little embarrassment to have to think of a picture being taken of yourself basically in the nude, there really was no actual harm done was there?”  My response…… “To me as far as the way I feel right now, that would be like asking a woman after she was raped that if she didn’t get pregnant, and didn’t contract VD or Aids, there really wasn’t any harm done was there?”  Because that IS exactly the way I feel.  Violated!!  I feel like my civil liberties were violated.  I feel like my 4th amendment rights were violated.  And I feel like I was treated like NO American should be treated in their own country.  And to think they are doing this to thousands and thousands of people everyday and we are letting them get away with it.  Needless to say, this is something that burns me to my very core!

I guess It doesn’t matter how many of us, our fathers, our grand-fathers, uncles, ants, brothers, sisters, etc. fought for the freedoms of this country, if we allow this kind of treatment to continue, the terrorists have already won, and you and I as American citizens have let them.

Don was among the first to call me for an interview after my deal with TSA in Memphis, and he was indeed the first interviewer who gave me a chance fully to explain myself on his show last October (I hadn’t slept for about a week, but I still think the interview is worth a listen, if you have an hour to spare). But Don isn’t just a spectator or commentator. He’s also a man of (direct) action who values and understands his essential rights and liberty. I don’t generally condone making plans and spending money to fly on passenger airlines under the current tyrannical regime – unless you’re willing to follow Don’s example and, if/when push comes to shove, leave your money on the table and walk away with your dignity intact. Well done, Don. We should all raise a glass at the TSA in honor of your sacrifice and testicular fortitude. -ed.

I was in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for work last Monday and scheduled to fly out to Atlanta that night with US Airways. Everything went fine, of course, until I got to the airport and encountered the security freaks at the TSA. Whenever I go through TSA security I always look for the line that doesn’t have the AIT scanner and I get in that line. This time, however, I was “randomly” selected out of that line and told to go through the AIT scanner. Of course I immediately opted out.

I was then told that I would have to have a pat-down to which I replied: “ok, but I don’t want you touching my genitals or my ass.” Not sure of what he just heard the TSA flunky asked me to repeat what I had just said to which I replied: “I don’t mind if you do a pat-down as long as you don’t touch the junk or the trunk.” Ok, I had been drinking.

Of course such irreverent talk to a federal divinity is not permitted in the land of the “free” so the circus began. Immediately a supervisor lap dog was summoned along with a super-duper supervisor lap dog and two of Sherwood Forest’s finest. The supervisor lap dog told me I wouldn’t be flying since I wouldn’t let them touch my beans and franks. Yet another TSA troglodyte took my driver’s license and boarding pass and began writing me up for after school detention as at least three other TSA trolls began rifling through my backpack and shaving kit looking for the meaning to their useless lives. I have to wonder why they were searching my personal affects if I wasn’t going to be allowed to fly. I guess I’m just not smart enough to understand the really important things in life.

After completing his report – a copy of which I was told I could not have so I have absolutely no idea what he wrote about me and the incident – the troglodyte scribe gave me my driver’s license back and eventually the other trolls finished sniffing and drooling over my panties and I was escorted out of the security screening area.

From that point I proceeded up to the US Airways desk where I explained the situation to the clerk in hopes of receiving a voucher or even being rescheduled on a flight the following day. After I laid it out to her she replied: “oh I know who you are Mr. Cooper. The TSA is on the ball and just phoned us about you.”

My first thought was:  since when is US Airways on the federal payroll? She went on to spew every nauseas cliché in the book: the TSA is just doing their job; the TSA makes us safer; you have to sacrifice some freedom for increased security; most people don’t mind; barf, puke, gag, spit, hurl, yak. And that lady gets to breed.

I said I wanted to speak to a supervisor and eventually I did. Well, when I say a supervisor I mean a garden gnome.  And although he didn’t spew clichés he did look at me with a dull, blank stare as if he had purposefully put his brain into hibernation until I finished talking. And when I did, he replied: “I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do.”

At that point I felt as if I had done everything reasonably possible to resolve my situation with no satisfaction. I had reached my limit of ignorance, incompetence, stupidity and arrogance. I honestly felt I had been backed into a corner and had only one way out: I went to have a drink.

In any case, I’m in the process of trying to find someone to take my case in suing the TSA for violation of my right not to be subjected to unreasonable search and seizure which is protected by the fourth amendment to the Constitution of the United States and paragraph VIII of the Pennsylvania state constitution. Ultimately I want to sue US Airways as well for the cost of my plane ticket, hotel, car rental and whiskey.

Even worse yet was, after getting to the hotel I got on Facebook to “blog” about my experience. The first response was from an old high school colleague who wrote: “Geez Don, what’s the big deal? I don’t mind getting violated a little to be sure I’m safe”.

High school was an awkward collection of events for me and I never really felt like I fit in with those people. I can even say that ever since then I’ve harbored a small desire to ultimately be accepted by those folks. My contemporaries;  my childhood classmates.  But now that weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I realize now why I didn’t fit in: they’re idiots.

And that’s why I drink!

Please, let us (or somebody) know if this pisses you off…

Carol Kelley